Husbands (yep all the tricky topics lately!)

Well what do you reckon to this? The Blog that started off with knitting has suddenly got deep and meaningful. I will return to knitting eventually, but a fluffy blog that makes everything look perfect was getting on my goat. Makes me feel hypocritical.
Anyhoo I will voice all my thoughts and concerns and sometimes I will include knitting and crochet and sewing and here we go. Please note I am not a trained psychologist, nor a relationship councilor, or any kind of trained councilor, nor have I any religious training - I am a normal person commenting on what I have lived and what I see. It is entirely my personal opinion. If it gets your panties in a bunch just stop reading! ;)

I am 32 and this coming January I will have been married for 12 years (he has too! :)) and I think that this is one of the hardest things I have ever done, other than raising children. I want to start by saying that this is not about put the husband down, its more about appreciating who they are right now. It could get ugly people!

From the time I was about 10 I believed that if I could be perfect it would make everyone happy. I was informed that I probably should not consider boyfriends or husbands when I got older, better to stay single. I was also told at one point maybe that when I got older i should consider living with some one rather that marrying them then I could leave if I wanted to. With those two considerations and the not so amicable atmosphere within the house I had decided that I was not perfect enough for anyone to love me and that I would remain single. I also decided I would not have any children because I would definitely screw them up, completely. I was set! Till I met my now husband and God said to me "Um I have a different plan".

Ash pursued me, he was my friend, and I told him blatantly that I did not want a boyfriend and I was never getting married, but I could be his friend. So he was my friend, then my closest friend who knew as much as I felt safe telling him, then one day I thought I can't be without him. BOOM! the master plan is down the drain.
Then we got married and stuff happens, it wasn't happily ever after, and even though he did not turn into a frog when we got married, I could definitely see room for improvement. Bingo! here comes Hypocritical Dini in full force, rating 20 on the Richter scale, Pride is here people and the fall comes soon after!

Now as well as being a perfectionist and a hypocrite I am also a doer. I do stuff, to look like a "good christian", "good person", so that people will like me and accept me because I don't feel like I am acceptable or likable just as I am. My husband just is. He does stuff when he wants to and is himself and although insecure in many ways he is very stable about what he knows, who he is and what he believes. I don't know if he knows it, but I see it clearly now. He will just be, and it used to drive me nuts, actually sometimes it still does, lets be completely honest.

He didn't want to DO the stuff I wanted to Do. The reason I wanted to DO it was to look acceptable, he just knew he wasn't ready for it, and it wasn't necessary. I can remember thinking that maybe I didn't pray hard enough before we got married, maybe I had made a mistake. I had married someone who might not want to be a missionary in far off Uganda.... So when I realised this I think the super critical, Mega beast button got turned into High gear. Fortunately when those particular buttons get activated in me, my husbands super patient, very loving and caring buttons go on full throttle too.
They have been on for a long time. God is turning my buttons down, and my husbands are still on full, and one day they will be used for his own benefit as well as mine.
I think sometimes as Christians, or religious people actually human beings in general we sometimes want to conform to a particular way we think we should be, how people want us to be, instead of just being. Maybe its just me.
In my life depression and anxiety has been present always, and I strive to hide it and to look like I have it together, even in front of the husband, maybe especially in front of him. When it all fell apart, several times, (God has a lot of work to do here!) the things about my husband that drive me crazy, and turn my Mega Beast buttons on, were the essential things I needed. GASP!

He is very very laid back, if he had been Mr Lets be Involved in EVERYTHING! and lets evangalise the entire world in 40 days and then do it again, there may not have been the space for me to psych out. I am not saying that if this is how your life is it is bad, just that I thought we should be Doing stuff and God showed me that His plan for me was perfect. I fell to bits and had days where I couldn't go anywhere until the washing was done, adrenaline running, heart pounding I would say to Ash "I just have to get the washing done, I don't know why, I can't go anywhere till its done" and his response "That's ok D, we can do that". Bless him! I had days where he sat with me and I sobbed because I was so messed up I didn't want to live anymore, and I couldn't see anyway out. We didn't have to go anywhere, he didn't have any agenda or anything that couldn't be put aside for a while. We just were at home, no urgency, no need, He put himself last for me, as naturally as breathing.

So my point for all this revelation to the entire world via my blog is this. I put my husband down verbally, to him and to others because there is a part of me that still wants to be perfect and i expect that others should be trying to achieve the same goal. The truth is God made Ash (and your husband too!) and if God is God then He can't have made any mistakes. How can I criticize the creator through his creation?

There is a culture among females ( it has many causes, that I am not qualified enough to explore in depth, nor do I want to. I know some of my motivations, I am dealing with them - its a whole of my life project!) where we put our husbands down. When we are together with our friends when we are out etc. Sometimes is just a little comment like "I know exactly what you mean" (translation:- mine does that crazy thing too, all the time!) to fully bashing the husband verbally with blow by blow descriptions. I have been present in both situations, equally as ugly. I am an excellent man basher in the verbal sense, sarcasm is my primary language, english my second. It is something that I am striving to fix. I have thought, "i will love you and I will honor you but you try and tell me what to do and you can shove it mate!" Um yeah good vows made at your wedding D!

Here is the cracker, when I let go and let my husband lead (oh my how anti womens lib!) it actually works! Now remember this is all opinion and I do not suggest that this is for violent and abusive relationships (plus I am not qualified to give any opinion on those situations at all). But I see lots of average marriages and relationships that fall apart because we all want to be in charge and you can't have two leaders. Yep its getting ugly people.
Respect your mate! always! It is so hard, i know, I have the tolerance of a single celled organism most of the time. But when I shut up and listen and let him be who he is meant to be it works out OK. Now he isn't spending our money at the casino, or drinking it all away, and for the most part I live a very protected safe middle class life that probably hasn't seen half or even a quarter of the problems the world really has in the nitty gritty of their lives. So I gab my opinion from a sheltered viewpoint, but for me, and my bible tells me, that my husband is the head of my household "For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior" Ephesians 5v23.
Now if you have turned off thats fine, if you are raving mad at me that is fine too, You might be thinking, you don't know the crackpot things my husband does! Nope I don't. You don't know how I feel when he talks to me that way! Well I may have a bit of insight into that but no, no one but you knows what is going on in your house, and I do not presume to know your circumstances or to even know what to tell you to do, and I wouldn't. What I know is this I cannot change the choices my husband makes or the way he behaves or reacts, but I can chose how I react to those circumstances and choices. If I chose to be with this man then I have a certain responsibility to this relationship and that includes considering him and his perspective and to not assume he will adhere to my master plan of " You will be perfect and we will both strive to attain perfection in record time". What I remember when I want to run him over or scream at the top of my voice at him is this, sure he has faults, but he is putting up with my buffet of imperfections too and he isn't freaking at me like a psychopathic masochistic nut (one of his strenghts, and even if he was doesn't mean I have to too) maybe I should just breathe and settle a bit. Unless you can get it perfect yourself (go on I dare you!) you don't really have any right to expect that the guy who decided he could put up with your PMS one week a month for the rest of his life, should either. When we say "I Do" at the altar it doesn't mean that we should suddenly expect that he will magically start picking his clothes up off the floor, and that he will agree with everything you say, and will automatically put your needs before his own, and will read your mind and know what you are thinking and will spend his whole life in complete service to you every day for the rest of his life. He is going to burp, fart, take you for granted, hurt your feelings, leave his stuff around, or be forever picking your stuff up for you. He might be a complete slob, or a complete neat freak, a crazy football yelling maniac once a week, he may hate some of the stuff you do (really, I thought everything I do is great???). If he does them before you get married, you can guarantee that he will do them after, they will make you crazy, and if you think you can change him you are fooling yourself! (by the way your pile of magazines next to the bed or the way you constantly clean the house - or don't- the way you hum that noise when you are absently doing other stuff, all your craft junk, the girly movies, your sudden fad for tofu and vegetarian food, your need to recreate your image again, etc all drive him equally bonkers too).
Husbands are human, He will make mistakes just like you do (different ones, that don't annoy him as much as they do you) but its all give and take. If he was perfect, we would all feel completely inadequate - truthfully a big proportion of women have this problem a bit somewhere already without their husband being the icon of perfection too- and how could you grow together and develop and mature if he was already at the finish line?

So your marriage isn't perfect, neither is mine. You can fully expect if you ever meet me that eventually both my feet will end up in my mouth, my husband will be emotionally cringing, and I will feel like a complete moron a couple of days later when I realise what I really said. Your husband isn't perfect, neither are you! Don't quit as soon as it gets a bit tough, the tough bits make good cement for later on when the earthquake hits.
Living with someone completely different is HARD! Even if you have similarities they are not your sibling or parent, and living with them can be very hard, you cannot expect that it will all be flowers and bells. Take a deep breath.

As a last note I just want to say that my husband puts up with so much from me, and the longer I am married to him, the more God is teaching me to deal with my own stuff and let Him deal with my husband, and let my husband be who he is because he is fine the way he is. When I say to God "um are you sure about this???, really???" God gently says to me " uh which one of us is the creator again??". Point taken.

Christians with Depression.... HOOO Boy hold on!

Ok so here is a topic that has either piqued your interest or sent you running for cover. Its hairy, a bit unpleasant and totally my opinion which is completely without any formal education in Religion or psychology. It is not meant for any purpose other than a bit of therapy for myself, and basically I need to write this somewhere public (I do not understand why) so that I can get it off my chest and maybe sleep tonight. If I offend, ok that happens, just never read my blog again and nobody will be any the wiser. :)

I am an early thirties mother of two, who is able to stay home to (s)mother her children, and who suffers from Depression and Anxiety, and has suffered since I was about 11, and I am a christian.
Now I can hear those people in the crowd echo the sentiments in my head - HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE???? What about the joy of the Lord? What about Do not be anxious about anything? How about come to me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest??
Good question, when you work it out please let me know!

No really its hard to answer and I can't tell you really, I am sure there are some christian scholars and psychologists out there who can. I will tell you what I know. My brain needs to make a chemical so that I can cope with stress, I don't make enough to cope sometimes with simple things (getting out of bed, making breakfast, driving hairy and mcleary to school) sometimes I can cope with those things fine but give me an extra in my day and tomorrow I will be the messiest mess that ever messed.
Lately it has been so bad that I had days where there was no test pattern, no beep, no hold music, just an empty dark box that is completely void of life. I have prayed constantly for weeks and weeks on end "Please God". Don't know what the please is for, sometimes the next five minutes, the next nano second, If I can get through to the next ten minute break I might be ok.

In between these episodes came the massive guilt of "Christians shouldn't feel this way!" This isn't right, I shouldn't have this overwhelming desire to not exist anymore, should I? But lately while reading my bible (please don't turn off now, it will get interesting!) I read a bit of Job. Only a bit , because Job for me, is extremely depressing. The man speaks my thoughts a bit too clearly and I have to shut the book. I will admit I am a Christian who doesn't read her bible much..... Hmmm, yep hopelessly flawed!! Job says "I rue the day I was born" yep I understand that completely. So many conversations of mine with God have been "what on earth did you bother for? truly just look at this mess! I am an emotional pile of refuse that is steaming and attracting flies in the sun, and repelling everything else". Now Christians are meant to be "pro life" and my whole emotional state screams "END IT! END IT NOW! Run dont walk!!!" My whole psyche says that my husband will find someone who can really care for him the way he needs and that I am completely screwing my kid's heads and lives up. Better off Dead. Harsh I know, and God gave me this life, where is the excitement people for such a gift?. I know it, but life hurts so much all the time, and faking it to get through after 15 or so years of faking it is extremely hard. I want to lie under the kitchen table or in the cupboard and tell the world and God to stuff it!

Hypocrisy is something I dislike with a passion, and to all intents and purposes I know that I can be a complete hypocrite myself. My whole being cries out for attention, please please please help me!!!!, but give me a person like me, and my insides cringe and pull back and honestly let me help you secretly, Let me help you so that my conscience is sort of satisfied but so it doesn't have to be public. Meanwhile another part of me is screaming YOU ARE LIKE THAT! You Hypocrite.
Ugh. Its ugly and far from pleasant. I have heard religious people say that they have spoken to people and at the end have thought "there is five minutes of my life I won't get back". I don't want to be like that, and I don't want to be treated like that. I think that you can learn something in any situation, even the bad which is where i am going with this whole post.

During some of the worst times and leading up to them I have heard God (please don't roll your eyes!, bear with me) I once stood at my front door trying to unlock it, groceries around my feet, two children whos playful banter is sending me into some kind of psychotic spin because of the noise, and the pain and effort just to take a breath is almost killing me. I stood there and in a nano second a whole conversation occurred "God how long will I have to be like this? How long is this really going to last?" "Child I will carry you until you can walk, when you can walk, I will walk beside you and when you need to be carried again, I will do that." OK. I hang onto that conversation and play it over in my head. It brings peace.
Another one is where I asked God "Father if I am a Jar of clay that hides your treasure, do you know what this vessel looks like? I have so many cracks and holes and sometimes I am just the base of the jar, nothing else. I am a mess, I can hardly hold it together, how can this be right? Surely there is sin there and that's the problem, can't we fix this, make it better, make me 'normal?'." The instant reply was gentle "If your jar had no holes how could the light shine out? Look at the beautiful pictures we cast on the walls and people will know without a doubt that it is me and not you, and that is how it should be". Oh Kay I can handle that too.
Being a christian is not about being perfect now but being perfected now. He is the potter, I am the clay, and He molds me and makes me, I am not made yet. Humble pie be my desert tonight.
The last conversation I recall that God and I had clearly was "God if Jesus commands us to go in to the earth, and more than anything I want to serve with my everything for you. When I can barely get out of bed How do I do that? There are so many things that I would do for you, send me overseas, send me to the ends of the earth, the slums the lowly anywhere! please heal me so I can serve you in any capacity, please!" and the reply "All you have to do is Glorify me, with your life and in your marriage. The rest will follow" Um ok, How? Today is a grind to get the kids to school without turning into the Mega-Beast, I don't even trust myself to look after my niece and nephew during the holidays, and my soul is crying out to die for some relief. Where is the Glory in that? How can I glorify anything except my own patheticness in this situation? How do we make it about you God when my humanness cries out "it should be all about me!". A friend of our family told me the answer to this one, "today you say, God I got out of bed, thank you, I got up, it was all I could do just then, I have done it for you. There may be nothing else today, I will give you what I have". When you think of it that way there are other things very simple things, God thank you for a warm bed, thank you for food in my stomach, thank you for indoor plumbing, thank you our roof doesn't leak, thank you we have a roof!

The upshot of this is I am a Christian who believes without any doubt that God came to the earth as a man and died on a cross so that I can be reconciled to God. It is not about making me feel like less of a person, just a fact, I could never be good enough, he knew it and helped me out. I also lack the chemical in my head, or its out of proportion up there, to help me do the basic things sometimes. This isn't anything new, diabetics need insulin, people who suffer epilepsy need medication. Depression is something I think I will have all of my life, but I also know that if God in His wisdom can see my frailty and lack, and mess and still say to me "Child I think you are acceptable, come to me all you who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest" "child I love you" "child I will carry you" "YOU are MY child", then I probably will survive it.
It doesn't feel like it in reality, But I also know that being a christian does not instantly make me "perfect" I am perfect to God, he made me this way and He gets what is going on down here, I don't get it, you don't get it, my husband and friends don't understand. Thats why HE is God and we are not. My brain would probably explode if I could understand it. So be it.

So if you are having a horrendous day, week, year, lifetime and you think that there is absolutely no way a God could care about you, you are wrong. I know it without a shadow of a doubt. Life will still be hard, God is not a fairy floss machine of miracles to make us all happy. Joy is not about being happy, I don't think, and I truly believe that God heals, sometimes it takes a lifetime. It isn't what we want to hear, and truthfully I write it and my innards rebel against it and want to scream NO NO NO fix me now!!! However God being God, I believe in His Holiness, knows the right path for us, I won't fight Him (too much), and I don't believe this is laying down and giving up, more like surrendering. Sometimes the limb has to be re-broken to heal correctly, and it hurts, but you can use your limb afterward and the pain is a memory.

Don't deny yourself the opportunity to know the God of the universe, Don't deny Him. He wants to know you, and truly if you read the first four Gospels of the New Testament (Matthew, Mark, Luke & John) Jesus hung out with a lot of people just like me. Hopeless on the fringe, hopelessly messed up and falling apart and with so many problems that other people could not and would not fix. God is not for the beautiful people only, God is for everyone and the more messed up you are and the more you admit it, the easier it is for Him to work with you. Sometimes people think that you are beautiful, but they don't see the rank dung heap that is your soul, you know about it, feel it and live with it. He sees it and says "I love you, you could be mine, and I knew where you would be right now, my need for you is still great." No other religion in the world has a God that sacrifices Himself to save humans. We all have to work in those other religions to meet the approval of the deity, as if we ever could! God saw it all before the world began and knew the price that would have to be paid, and did it as a love offering for us. No other religion tells you that. If God Created me, and I believe that God is Holy and Perfect, then He did not make a mistake, even in all my failings, this is exactly how He made me and He loves me, and if He can love me (you have seen lots of my mess here) He loves you.

Yes Christians get Depression, they break limbs, have epilepsy, high blood pressure, diabetes, and are hypocrites (the worst), and get it wrong, and judge people unfairly. I get it wrong alot of the time, Don't look to Christians as the answer, look to God, He is so much more than we will ever be. He is confusing and we desperately want answers and for it to make sense, and it might not. He is God, His ways are not our ways. That is how it should be, otherwise would He really be God?
Don't look at me, Look at Him.

On the needles and In the Air!

It could be said that I am a compulsive starter. Actually its true, I love the thrill of a new project, casting on and the new wool and what it could be... Then I get knitters/crochet block! Half way through and then I think MEH! Boring! and start something else. I know that there are plenty of people out there that do this I just don't want to anymore. I finish socks for others, dishcloths for others, jumpers for others, just nothing for me. Well the task for April is to finish.

It seems like a big task at the moment I have 2 pairs of socks on the go (both for me) and Mr Greenjeans sweater and I am participating in a Vanna's Choice Block exchange through Ravelry.

The blocks are blocking now ready to send tomorrow probably, weather is in the low 30's (celcius) so it should dry quickly and woosh they will be away! So now because I have finished the blocks my head went into new project mode.... Now I am itching to start another blanket. I haven't even finished the one I am participating in. I have seen the Lion Brand Circles to squares blanket done in brown with coloured spots by a fellow raveller Julieanny and it looked so great its all I can think about. Trying hard to focus though on finishing socks and the other blanket that I have on the go and to finish the Mr Greenjeans for myself.... but the itch desperately wants to be scratched..

Squares I have recieved and Squares I am sending

The other thing I want to start is a vegetable garden. I have always had a crazy notion that I would LOVE to be self sufficient. To grow all my own vegies, to have solar panels on the roof for electricity and to have about 3 more rainwater tanks to provide water for the veg and for rinsing my washing etc. I would also love to have fruit trees in the back yard or even the front yard. The price of food is going up with the global economic catastrophe that everyone is ranting about, and it inspires me to chase the dream I have always had. I don't work, I am a stay at home mum at the moment and I have the time to garden. So my dad lent me a book called "One Magic Square" by Lolo Houbein and to say that I am inspired is an understatement. The book is simple and the author is from South Australia and so knows what works here (yay!) when to plant, how to prepare, how to rotate crops, how to mulch, manure, and fertilise and how to keep pests at bay without chemicals. So I am going to get organic seeds so I can propogate from plants I have grown for future plants and jump in. Even if I just grow onions and garlic first (hopefully potatos and corn too, oh and carrots.....) it should help the family budget and maybe encourage Mr 3 and 3/4 to eat something other than vegemite toast and rice!

The compulsion to start hits me again - I should clean my house, I should do many things (like the preparation required for a vegie patch) but all I can do is dream about vegie gardens and afghans that I am not ready to start in a practical sense, emotionally I am there! So being practical means I have to wait a little bit for the vegie patch (mostly because I don't have the seeds and am trying to get a compost bin going) and I will control my afghan desires and will finish Mr Greenjeans and the socks and complete the swap blanket (oh and the other blanket I started before all of this that is sitting in a tub somewhere...) and then I can start fresh again.

Good luck to me because I just remembered I also promised mittens for the boys for Gumdale, and have a scarf on the go for Zak too and they want socks also, and a replacement sock for the sister in law, and I meant to make my sister a pair of socks for her birthday (April 15). Hmmm ..Anyhoo watch this space... see how we go!

Puppy in a pram and an out of focus sock I started :)

Its been more than a while....

Yes I have been absent from the blogging world for many many months. I could go into details, I won't however just because, well just because.
Anyhoo I have decided that 2009 is the year of Dini. I won't be knitting presents for people this year, I am participating in some swaps through Ravelry that will require knitting and crochet but people are reciprocating to me in kind so in fact that fibrey goodness benefits me. Its all very selfish and self seeking but the care factor is less than 100 billionty gadzillion. I have 3 cardigans all on the go for me that have been going for about a year or so, I also have a pair of socks to finish (on the second one now, YAY ME!) and have just ordered more sock yarn (all for me).
So I spend some time looking after other people around me which is all good, I just haven't been caring for me in the way I would like, hence the year of Dini.
So Here is to finishing projects for me, starting more projects for me, and maybe knitting a hat for hubby who really needs it....poor guy he has been waiting 12 months too...... and he encourages my stash building, selfish knitting, and all around hes a great guy, he deserves a hat!

Pics to follow of works in Progress, stash accumulation, and finished objects (hopefully!)

Officially DEAD!!! YAY!!!

I recieved my socks for sock war III this morning from Whimsyfish. They are bright orange yellow red and green and my photo doesn't do them the best justice but now they are on they may not come off. When I first saw them I thought they were a bit big but they are fine on and I initially didn't like the colours but it has grown on me and I quite like them (I am so fickle though it took me ten minutes to change my mind!! and hey I didn't make them so someone else spent time knitting socks for ME! YAY!!)Made from Schaefer Yarn Ann. 60% merino wool SUPERWASH, 25% mohair, 15% nylon so soft and bright and I think they are going to officially be my happy day socks. Lovely. Thanks to my assassin Whimsyfish.

mmmmm sock heaven......

SOCK WARS III and other things

Ok so I just recently joined something called Sock Wars III and tried as best I knew how to explain it to people. Most people now think I have something a bit loose upstairs if you know what I mean. Anyway I joined and got psyched for the craziness of knitting like a lunatic to get the socks off to my target who upon receiving my socks would be considered "Dead" all the while my assassin is doing exactly the same thing for me and so on and so forth for all thousand participants (oh yes its only the weird Adelaidians who haven't heard of it the rest of the world is in on it baby!). However being in Australia sort of takes the edge away because you know that if your assassin is in America you have at least 6 days to get your stuff in the mail. Anyway got my Tofutsies sock yarn in pretty colours and on the prescribed day at not the right hour (but I wasn't complaining) got my pattern and then had to go out - ALL DAY!! and then the next day too because of mothers day. That was on May 10th I finally got the socks finished and sent to my American target. I know my socks are in the post somewhere they are coming and my death is iminent. HA!
Just to up the anti I thought I would join a killer Rabbit swap too. Why not? It was meant to start ages ago but due to unforseen circumstances it didn't happen to be ready until the same time as sock wars. I am still working on my killer bunny but I didn't factor in the amount of wrist pain that I am now feeling after crazily knitting and crocheting. The rabbit of war will go soon but not yet this week hopefully.
Other craft stuff happening is a new nightie for me. I have had it cut out for about 6 weeks now (which isn't bad for me really I still have a pair of boxers I was making for Ash when we first got married 10.5 years ago...) and finally got it finished. I have made my own iron on transfers just to pretty it up a bit because it was looking a tad boyish. Its sooooo comfy I am going to make another one soon.

Monster Truck Madness!

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