Communication

Communication is not one of my strengths. I don't think it has ever been. I need to think for a week before I speak (just so it makes sense) and if you talk to me about something, it may very well sink in a fortnight later. I will have been paying attention, I might have even been making mental or written notes at the time, I have to mentally digest stuff before it makes sense for me sometimes.

Given that, it makes life interesting for my husband, who is quick off the mark, and can often see future problems that might occur in a nanosecond and can plan to avoid them with as much efficiency.

Keeps us on our toes with our marriage too. Very often I will sit with a blank look on my face, nearly dribbling, because I am thinking about what he has said to me, and he thinks that I am ignoring him. Sometimes I haven't heard him, sometimes I am so tired that my brain has gone into power save mode, sometimes I am just rude.

The more I look at marriage and partnerships and relationships the more I realise that so often in life we think that it is all about ME. How do I feel, what do I want out of this, where is the Bang in it for me? Have you ever considered that in serving the other person (good grief here we go!) that you might actually do yourself a favour? Now I don't mean make your partner a roast while they bash you ok, if that is you, best to get out for your safety and for any kids around too (I know a Christian who thinks sometimes you should separate - Ye Gads!). BUT when you serve the other person in your relationship instead of seeking all the benefit for yourself, you will return a balance to the relationship. Giving is part of Loving. Sometimes it hurts, alot. Sometimes it doesn't feel justified or repayed in part, let alone in full. If you love someone then you will sacrifice for them (oohhh its nasty isn't it?) You may not be able to afford that beautiful embroidery machine you desperately want (need - ahem!), Ah or tonight you may have to do those dishes because tea was cooked so well....

When you give without adding strings, like "tonight don't worry about the dishes, the world wont stop" (and it doesn't, never has) when you give room to move to the other person, cut them some slack it fosters a want to serve you too. Now don't do this just so you can get something back, thats manipulation (and I reckon most times we can see when its being done to us, so just assume your partner is as clever as you or me and they can see that too). Do it because you have a regard for that person. Remember when you loved them at the beginning and you would do almost ANYTHING for them? When you relax, don't worry about what you will get out of it, and just do it for the other person, you leave room for the other person to reciprocate. Dont expect to get adulation from the crowd people, sometimes it comes in the form of holding your tongue and letting something go rather than turning the fact that he dumped his socks on the floor (Again!) into a homicidal rampage that consumes your whole evening. Yep its hard, never ever wanted you to think it was going to be easy. You never know though, after a while your partner might stop nagging you about something that drives them insane too.

Today you might have to refrain from trying to manipulate your partner so you can have what you want. Manipulation is insidious, and destroying to a relationship. It kills the reason for love, because the love is used against the person giving it, and will crush a heart. Domination is destroying, it allows no room for movement, it constricts and represses the individual. Very often these two creep into marriage very subtly.
Not telling your partner something is the same as lying. If you have a problem with your significant other, they would be the best one to talk to first, not last!
The main thing to remember is that the other person maybe driving you insane, it happens, but consider that you will drive that person nuts at other times. You can't avoid it, you aren't perfect - neither am I. I drive my husband nuts, I have mood swings and don't sleep enough, I have my own ideas that I am convinced are the ONLY way to do things. If I get a bee in my bonnet I will not listen to ANYTHING he has to say. I won't list all my faults but I want you to know I know this through personal experience. He in turn drives me nuts. For his sake I won't list the deeds here, but be assured sometimes I want to grab him and shake him and say "What on earth is going on in there??????" When I have one of those moments (they usually happen three or four at a time - for him too!) I remember all the crap he has put up with from me. Those times he was right (even makes me wince now saying it - there is some pride for you) and I have insisted on my own way, and it has all been wrong and we have wasted time, or money or both, or energy that could have been used for much much more useful things, and I hurt him, and what a waste that is. Or he has been right, I have known it and still tried to convince him and myself that he was really wrong. Here comes manipulation, and I can shout pretty good and like to give that a good belting around the house too, and there is Domination.

So where am I going with this? Good communication will strengthen a relationship as long as you are communicating with your partner and not bitching about them to everyone else. KNOW your own weaknesses and acknowledge them, and work a way around them. I just told Ash, I am not ignoring you (right now), it just takes a while for me to digest, I need to think for a while. Realise that they are not perfect, and acknowledge the fact that you aren't either. Know that relationships are not easy, it is not a B grade love story at the movies, it takes blood, sweat and tears, you may want to run them over a couple of times, or leave or scream or all of the above.
Know that sticking with it will enrich your relationship and working together and without an agenda for you will help no end. A partnership or relationship is about giving, and love is about giving, and not so much about recieving. Being involved with another person is about the "US" and not so much about the "ME".

Look at your significant other this week, ask yourself, could I be more gentle, more giving? Has this partnership become a way for me to take and not to give? If you decide to start giving (YAY you!) don't expect that you will have the angels descend and that the world will sing your praises, expect that it will be hard and that you may not see the results immediately. In my humble opinion (and I am a young snapper that has only been married 11 years) it will be worth it. You decided to stay with that person for a reason, and you are relatively intelligent right!, give it a go, and find what attracted you in the first place. Do something different this week, give a bit and don't attach the strings. You might be pleasantly surprised!

1 Corinthians 13

Love

¹If I speak in the tongues^a]">[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,^b]">[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.