Sunday, September 13, 2009

What now??

Well after the last post it got the grey matter going into overdrive. What does God want for me??? Quite honestly it scares me to death, but with morbid fascination I still long to know. I think that it doesn't matter so much What I do, but how I do what I do. Trust in the lord your God with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight Proverbs 3:5-6. So quite honestly I believe I should do whatever it is that I am doing for His Glory. Good, but I was disappointed honestly and then I was shocked. I have blogged that God is not the fairy floss, genie, magic maker and I really really believe it - and yet my pride grows again and says "God answer me with a big bill board giving me the definitive outline and plan for my life!" Ugh! God might want me to wipe dirty bottoms, clean gooey noses and to pray with my boys every night.

I am full of pride. I want to do something for God, anything - but let it be public so everyone can see. I have blogged that I am a hypocrite, it isn't anything new people, and here it is right in your face (and mine). So now God I will serve you with myself. Then self pity steps in, larger than life - He wont send me (and maybe I am to lazy to move too) I am hopeless I have nothing to give. What am I? A self obsessed woman with pride and hypocrisy issues, who is insecure and sometimes cannot get over herself. God could never use me - can you hear the violin??
Woe is me blah blah blah.

I have just read today about a woman who went to China in the 1930's because she believed God was sending her, and she was a lady who went into service working as a maid in someones house. God funded the trip through savings and hard work, and when she got there she started an inn and cleaned mules. God used her obedience and even her failings to reach people. She was motivated by a love of God and a desire to serve Him implicitly.

Now I have 2 children and a husband and can't go off to China on a whim, my circumstances decree otherwise. But she was knocked back so many times and really was very uneducated when she began, and yet God used her, and not immediately either. God will use me and is using me just not in the way I thought He should (yeah I know giving God advice again!) So now I hear the word "Obedience. Be obedient". I hear and know it and still want to chuck the mother and father of all tantrums! What about what I want??? I want to do something for YOU God!!! and the answer I receive and keep getting is "glorify me in your life, and glorify me in your marriage" in other words make your life about me instead of yourself. So now I am learning obedience, patience and thankfulness.

God is in control, and not Dini, (thanks God!), and my soul really aches to do something for God, but I am learning that I am doing something for God, just not the big show people, the hard boring, dirty everyday stuff. Not glamorous at all. So right now I will love my children and teach them about the God, Yaweh, who I know and love, I will love my husband and let God teach me tonnes of stuff through him, and I will learn to love myself and while doing that I will learn self control, and I will seek to Glorify God in everything I do, I will trust in Him and He will direct my path. When the next opportunity presents itself I will be more prepared and I believe He will have me ready for that part of the journey just as he has done before. A simple answer and we want to make it difficult, by wanting our own way and not seeking God.

Thanks God that you love us and me, and that you see all my failings and the horrible self seeking person I am and that you still love me. I feel so crushed sometimes and out of control, but You know all, and You alone made the universe, and You are in control. Thanks so much! Help me to do the little stuff for you so later I can be ready to do anything for you, even more little stuff - and to do it with joy and to do it to Glorify You alone. Love D.