Monday, April 11, 2011
Dear Life
Dear Life, Today I can't keep up with you, I was struggling yesterday too. There are lots of things I have to get done, and I am barely scraping through. There are too many forms for school, I lose them and forget them and get them in late, the world hasn't ended but I am so tired of all the paper and thinking i have got them all back to discover I have more outstanding.... There is so much noise that people call life and enjoyment, it makes my head hurt. Two people talking and a pot boiling on the stove and then I have to keep track of making tea and what was I doing? I can't follow the conversation with the background noise, and when I concentrate really hard I can follow it, but feel like I need a 2 hour sleep afterwards.. I have washing and ironing to do and I have to get boys ready for school, meals to make and a house to keep clean, a job to go to and a husband to care for. There are pets to feed and family to see, phone calls to take and places to go. Practice and lessons and school drop off and pick up, emails to reply to, questions to answer and conversation to make. Normal everyday stuff, and some people really love it, and sometimes I do too. Today I don't, today is too much, today I am in overload. Today I dream of a cave where no one else is. I don't want to talk today, I don't want to go to the doctor, or get a second opinion. I don't want to deal with your stuff, hell I don't even want to deal with my stuff! Don't ask me how I am, I will lie. Its a pathalogical thing with me, can't tell you the truth, I don't want to explain the unexplainable. Today is hard, and I don't want your ideas about how to fix it. Spiritual music has been playing all day but doesn't cut it. Praying has been going on for about the same time and the place where God is, is very very quiet (which in this state is a bit nice, could I handle too much noise from there??). My bed is very very inviting right now. Depression is a black hole and I have fallen in. I know that if I wait I will feel better it might take a while, in the mean time, please excuse me. My emotions are all up and down, really I am trying very hard, it probably doesn't look like it. It feels like I could be the biggest attention seeker the world has ever known. Please excuse me, but your advice is like sandpaper, and honestly it will take till tomorrow for me to process what you have told me. Please don't judge, please don't ask, just be my friend, it will get better I know, it just isn't right now. So Dear Life, If it is at all possible could you please slow down? I don't really know how to simplify any more, and I can't keep up. Maybe you could call past in a month or two, I may have caught up by then. If not once I come up again to breathe, I might be able to swim by and keep in the current, until then I will sit in the shallows. yours exhaustedly Dini
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Update thus far
The year has been hard, again. Marriage holding together just, and mental health holding together better than it has, but still having moments that make your knees quiver and you question your sanity. In the entire time that I have been dealing with serious depression some friendships have been seriously neglected and I waver between horrendous guilt and complete justification of my actions. And even now I am torn really between what is right and what is wrong? I have this necessity to label and box things up so I can cope with them.
The reality is its not a clear cut answer. I have made bad decisions, I would love to justify my guilt away but usually relationship problems have two sides, one of those sides is mine.
Here it is, communication is not my strength by any stretch of the imagination. Verbal communication is hard for me I prefer to write then I can edit, revise, re read and spell check to my hearts content before putting it out for the whole world to read. Telephone calls make me anxious, If you ever chat with me and I don't know you well I have a fall back that I use and its this, ask questions and get a person chatting about themselves and sit and listen. Works every time.
I have this desire after being at work, or out in big public situations to be a hermit. Public relations down to almost nil, I get so tired from talking to people through my work (which I also believe is the mission field that has been given to me by God) that I have enough energy to function in the family situation (and sometimes very poorly there) and that is it. The other week I begged off a family do because I was so tired that if I had to talk to anyone I probably would have cried.
I relate better to older people than those of my own age group, much older say 60 and up. I do have some friends of my own age group but they are few and special. Give me a room of oldies and I am in heaven! They love to talk, and they have so much life experience to share, and they don't give a fig about the latest trend, hair colours, clothes etc. They are more interested in the person inside and sharing their life experience.
Now there are other things I don't enjoy really late nights, I don't like drinking or being out of control, I don't like crowded rooms with alot of noise it overloads me and wears me out. If I have seen people during the day I don't like to go out. If there are jobs that need to be done at home I find it hard to go out especially the washing. Going away for a holiday is almost too much work because of all the work needed to be done before and after a trip.
Depression is a constant thing for me, it is mostly under control, but sometimes it spirals completely off the planet, usually I am left holding on for what feels to be my very life. About once a month it rears its ugly head and as I have posted previously I want to hurt myself to help me cope, sometimes I want to die. People don't understand this, and thats ok.
I am sad that these parts of me, these traits, I have let control decisions I have made, and still do sometimes. I don't want to use this as any justification, honestly I just want to lay the facts out more to clear my own head, sort the emotions out, put the puzzle together. Truthfully I am sitting here finding it really hard to write.
In the worlds eyes and in many religious peoples eyes I do not make the grade. Alot of the time in my own eyes I fail miserably. In Gods eyes I am Nadine Elizabeth, made by Him and He knew me in the womb and even before the creation of the world, and He knows and loves me completely.
This is how I was made, I am faulty, but it is acceptable to God. My misconduct and thoughtlessness, the way I treat people through fear, ignorance, pride and anger is poor at best. I am truly sorry for the way I have treated some friends.
The flip side is that I have made the decision to serve God first, then serve my husband and care for my kids. I swear I am doing my absolute best to serve him and keep my priorities in the right order. I find it extremely hard to balance family life, work, and friends and usually the bits that fall of the order are friends.
Is there an answer? Not really I have spent this past year or two investing my time in my marriage, and some friends have taken a back seat. I am sorry, but truly the marriage needed my priority and attention. I am at a point in my life where I think that if you can't accept me as I am, then I am sorry. If you would like me to put friendship before my Husband and children it won't happen. If you want me to be Mrs Sociable 2010 it isn't going to happen. I am an extremely poor friend, I don't call enough and will think something is a really good idea and then get cold feet and want to pull out. I will get overtired and over emotional (ask my mum and family they will tell you), I would love to be different, I often try harder and fail.
If you take me as I am, and expect very little you will be rewarded, but if you have high expectations and think that I should meet your goal posts you will be dissappointed. Please know that this is who I am, I truly do try hard to be a better person, and I don't always knowingly hurt friends. I will not change myself to suit everyone else, take me as I am, knowing I am imperfect and that I try hard and fail.
God grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
The reality is its not a clear cut answer. I have made bad decisions, I would love to justify my guilt away but usually relationship problems have two sides, one of those sides is mine.
Here it is, communication is not my strength by any stretch of the imagination. Verbal communication is hard for me I prefer to write then I can edit, revise, re read and spell check to my hearts content before putting it out for the whole world to read. Telephone calls make me anxious, If you ever chat with me and I don't know you well I have a fall back that I use and its this, ask questions and get a person chatting about themselves and sit and listen. Works every time.
I have this desire after being at work, or out in big public situations to be a hermit. Public relations down to almost nil, I get so tired from talking to people through my work (which I also believe is the mission field that has been given to me by God) that I have enough energy to function in the family situation (and sometimes very poorly there) and that is it. The other week I begged off a family do because I was so tired that if I had to talk to anyone I probably would have cried.
I relate better to older people than those of my own age group, much older say 60 and up. I do have some friends of my own age group but they are few and special. Give me a room of oldies and I am in heaven! They love to talk, and they have so much life experience to share, and they don't give a fig about the latest trend, hair colours, clothes etc. They are more interested in the person inside and sharing their life experience.
Now there are other things I don't enjoy really late nights, I don't like drinking or being out of control, I don't like crowded rooms with alot of noise it overloads me and wears me out. If I have seen people during the day I don't like to go out. If there are jobs that need to be done at home I find it hard to go out especially the washing. Going away for a holiday is almost too much work because of all the work needed to be done before and after a trip.
Depression is a constant thing for me, it is mostly under control, but sometimes it spirals completely off the planet, usually I am left holding on for what feels to be my very life. About once a month it rears its ugly head and as I have posted previously I want to hurt myself to help me cope, sometimes I want to die. People don't understand this, and thats ok.
I am sad that these parts of me, these traits, I have let control decisions I have made, and still do sometimes. I don't want to use this as any justification, honestly I just want to lay the facts out more to clear my own head, sort the emotions out, put the puzzle together. Truthfully I am sitting here finding it really hard to write.
In the worlds eyes and in many religious peoples eyes I do not make the grade. Alot of the time in my own eyes I fail miserably. In Gods eyes I am Nadine Elizabeth, made by Him and He knew me in the womb and even before the creation of the world, and He knows and loves me completely.
This is how I was made, I am faulty, but it is acceptable to God. My misconduct and thoughtlessness, the way I treat people through fear, ignorance, pride and anger is poor at best. I am truly sorry for the way I have treated some friends.
The flip side is that I have made the decision to serve God first, then serve my husband and care for my kids. I swear I am doing my absolute best to serve him and keep my priorities in the right order. I find it extremely hard to balance family life, work, and friends and usually the bits that fall of the order are friends.
Is there an answer? Not really I have spent this past year or two investing my time in my marriage, and some friends have taken a back seat. I am sorry, but truly the marriage needed my priority and attention. I am at a point in my life where I think that if you can't accept me as I am, then I am sorry. If you would like me to put friendship before my Husband and children it won't happen. If you want me to be Mrs Sociable 2010 it isn't going to happen. I am an extremely poor friend, I don't call enough and will think something is a really good idea and then get cold feet and want to pull out. I will get overtired and over emotional (ask my mum and family they will tell you), I would love to be different, I often try harder and fail.
If you take me as I am, and expect very little you will be rewarded, but if you have high expectations and think that I should meet your goal posts you will be dissappointed. Please know that this is who I am, I truly do try hard to be a better person, and I don't always knowingly hurt friends. I will not change myself to suit everyone else, take me as I am, knowing I am imperfect and that I try hard and fail.
God grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
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