Could all the arrogant Christians please exit stage left????

Sorry I was going to blog, then realised I was a tad arrogant sometimes, and therefore had to exit, stage left.......

What now??

Well after the last post it got the grey matter going into overdrive. What does God want for me??? Quite honestly it scares me to death, but with morbid fascination I still long to know. I think that it doesn't matter so much What I do, but how I do what I do. Trust in the lord your God with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight Proverbs 3:5-6. So quite honestly I believe I should do whatever it is that I am doing for His Glory. Good, but I was disappointed honestly and then I was shocked. I have blogged that God is not the fairy floss, genie, magic maker and I really really believe it - and yet my pride grows again and says "God answer me with a big bill board giving me the definitive outline and plan for my life!" Ugh! God might want me to wipe dirty bottoms, clean gooey noses and to pray with my boys every night.

I am full of pride. I want to do something for God, anything - but let it be public so everyone can see. I have blogged that I am a hypocrite, it isn't anything new people, and here it is right in your face (and mine). So now God I will serve you with myself. Then self pity steps in, larger than life - He wont send me (and maybe I am to lazy to move too) I am hopeless I have nothing to give. What am I? A self obsessed woman with pride and hypocrisy issues, who is insecure and sometimes cannot get over herself. God could never use me - can you hear the violin??
Woe is me blah blah blah.

I have just read today about a woman who went to China in the 1930's because she believed God was sending her, and she was a lady who went into service working as a maid in someones house. God funded the trip through savings and hard work, and when she got there she started an inn and cleaned mules. God used her obedience and even her failings to reach people. She was motivated by a love of God and a desire to serve Him implicitly.

Now I have 2 children and a husband and can't go off to China on a whim, my circumstances decree otherwise. But she was knocked back so many times and really was very uneducated when she began, and yet God used her, and not immediately either. God will use me and is using me just not in the way I thought He should (yeah I know giving God advice again!) So now I hear the word "Obedience. Be obedient". I hear and know it and still want to chuck the mother and father of all tantrums! What about what I want??? I want to do something for YOU God!!! and the answer I receive and keep getting is "glorify me in your life, and glorify me in your marriage" in other words make your life about me instead of yourself. So now I am learning obedience, patience and thankfulness.

God is in control, and not Dini, (thanks God!), and my soul really aches to do something for God, but I am learning that I am doing something for God, just not the big show people, the hard boring, dirty everyday stuff. Not glamorous at all. So right now I will love my children and teach them about the God, Yaweh, who I know and love, I will love my husband and let God teach me tonnes of stuff through him, and I will learn to love myself and while doing that I will learn self control, and I will seek to Glorify God in everything I do, I will trust in Him and He will direct my path. When the next opportunity presents itself I will be more prepared and I believe He will have me ready for that part of the journey just as he has done before. A simple answer and we want to make it difficult, by wanting our own way and not seeking God.

Thanks God that you love us and me, and that you see all my failings and the horrible self seeking person I am and that you still love me. I feel so crushed sometimes and out of control, but You know all, and You alone made the universe, and You are in control. Thanks so much! Help me to do the little stuff for you so later I can be ready to do anything for you, even more little stuff - and to do it with joy and to do it to Glorify You alone. Love D.

What is God's will for Dini's Life?

So I have been blogging about searching for Gods will in your life, seeking it with everything you have and I have now been posed with this question. What is Gods will for Dini right now? So as the t shirt says lets make it all about me. Lets be real and search out what God wants for me right now. No hypothetical mumbo jumbo that I write and post into cyber space. Lets make it real, I need to now I have started writing this I am compelled to be honest and true to the nth degree.

Just a fraction of background so you know where I am coming from, I am a stay at home mother of two. And the nagging thought as my 4 yr old trundles to Kindy every day is WHAT NOW?? Next year he goes to School and endless days stretch before me. A friend suggested that going to work might be good for me, in that work will provide a source of satisfaction for me that you do not necissarily get from working in the home. It has provided me with a source of confusion and a desperate need to seek the Fathers will for my life. What is the next step? Is ensuring the family unit works well and smoothly the path for me, could it be hugely beneficial for all of them if I went back to work (as well as me?). Is it right to keep on keeping on without trying to find out where I am meant to be going?

How do I work out what Gods will is? I sat and thought about this, I have blogged that I think that I might be meant to rest now, which might be right, but I have no hard evidence, and feelings are fickle things, so I wont rely on them. So in the words of Mr Ed "Go right to the source and ask the horse!" Bring out your bibles people, I thought I could get a christian self help book, so many of them out there, not all bad either, but I thought I would go right to where its all originally written, then I can write my own findings here, and you can see me succede or fail spectacularly!

So this afternoon I wrote a list under a title called "What is God's will for my life??"
I have some points that just start the cogs working, I will put them down, they aren't difinitive because it is just the ramblings of me so take it as you find it, email me with suggestions, I will probably add to them, expand them and stretch them every way see if we can find an answer that makes sense, and hopefully be the answer given by God.

1. Glorify God in my life and Marriage.
2 Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your mind, and all your soul. And love your neighbour as yourself. (this poses a second question for me, how much do I really Love myself? )
3. Romans 12:2 ²Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. ( Romans is a cracker full of this kind of info. Going to read Romans again)
4. My Body is a temple of the Living God 1 Cor 6:19
5. When we serve others, we serve God Matthew 25:35-40
6. Mary and Martha with Jesus. One cooking and complaining the other listening and learning.
7. Ruth and Naomi; no definite indication from God as to what they should do, they stepped out in faith and obedience and God blessed them both.
8. Rahab was obedient, she still suffered, but after all the turmoil she was blessed
9. A friend said to me that it might be ok to do what makes your heart sing. Meaning God might actually want me to do something that makes me happy.
10. Obedience is better than sacrifice 1 Samuel 15:22

So I don't think this is a complete list, its the list I am starting with and I am going to read the Gospels and Romans again. I can't just blog crazily and not have it really really mean something, even if only a handful of people read it.

Ready to come on my adventure? Geepers who knows where we'll end up! Yeehaw!

Post script to last entry

I just want to clarify something about my last post. I do not want to encourage being a christian and doing NOTHING EVER. There is a story in the bible about the people with the talents, and the last person was scared to lose his talents and buried them, and did nothing with them. The master was not pleased with him when he returned, Matthew 25:14. God doesn't want us to sit on our buts and let the world serve us. He wants us to use the gifts we have to serve Him.

My last post was about accepting other Christians because of what you think they are doing for the church. We have to stop judging others and focus ourselves on God and do what HE wants us to do. So you still have to do stuff, it doesn't save you, only Christ on the cross does that, but God still wants us to use our gifts to Glorify Him.

The points I want to make are this
a) Focus on God and what He wants you to do
b) Stop looking at your neighbor and doing a tally sheet as to who is more Holy
c) Don't assume that a person is doing nothing, prayer is an important part of the health of the christian church
d) Don't shy away from the people who are having a hard time, maybe befriending them is the way God wants you to use your gifts
e) Most importantly Do Everything to bring Glory to God.

1 Samuel 12:20
²⁰ "Do not be afraid," Samuel replied. "You have done all this evil; yet do not turn away from the LORD, but serve the LORD with all your heart.

Luke 4:8
⁸Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Worship the Lord your God and serve him only.'^b]">[b]"

Romans 15:5
⁵May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, ⁶so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Being a worthwhile member of the Christian Church

What does it mean to be a worthwhile member of the christian church? What do you need to do to be accepted and incorporated? The bible teaches that we should be in fellowship with other christians, but the most important thing is to acknowledge that I am a sinner (ie I am not perfect like God and need His help with stuff day to day), Jesus died on a cross for me and payed my penalty so that God would see the perfect sacrifice that makes atonement for me and therefore I can be accepted by God as His child. Membership of the Christian Church applied for, accepted, move on in!

Churches are full of people and that is half the problem with them. We get our own ideas and have all our own problems and suddenly the beautiful creation that is meant to flourish under the watchful eye of God is running amok and creating its own rules and regulations twisted from the Biblical texts to say what they want it to say.

Have I fallen prey to this, in all honesty, probably. I am human, and in reality I do like to get my own way, no bones about it. And lets just say my current attendance record is looking pretty dim. If they existed, the truant church officer would have my name on the top of their list and they might be hunting me down.
But this leads to my next point. I have had depression for a long long time, to the point where recently I cannot and have not been able to participate in anything at church, let alone get there. So 8 months of not really attending anywhere. This has left me wondering "God what should I be doing at the moment?, what do you want me to Do? I want to be valuable and I want to serve you alone." I have no hard proof at the moment but I think that I am meant to be resting at the moment, caring for my family and not DOing anything in particular. (In reality there isn't much rest when you care for two small boys and a husband who works hard).

Suddenly you feel like you don't feature on a useful list anywhere, no use to anyone except your family, you aren't really attending or providing tithe so are you then not worthy? Do you not belong? If you commit a "Big" sin whatever you decide that is (God just has sin by the way, not big or small, just you aren't perfect, all bad is bad) are you no longer a christian? Do the normal lay people have the right to question the church and the way they go about their business? Suddenly you hit the Too Hard list, and you fall through the cracks. You don't need someone preaching forty thousand lectures to you, you need friends who love and care for you, and who aren't concerned necessarily with what you can DO for them. Maybe today you can't change instantly, maybe the lessons you are learning are hard and need ALOT of time to take root and to grow. Does it mean that you are less of a christian? NO! Are you less usefull, Not to God, not ever. To the church, maybe. Ouch that hurts doesn't it! Be realistic though, we all have the need for someone to DO something for us to be valued sometimes, and churches, as I stated before are full of people, just like us, exactly like us with problems and foibles just like mine.

One day I want to start a church that takes you no matter what. Can't clean on the roster this week, no problems. Severley depressed and can't get there this month, thats fine. Is your house untidy and you are just making the ends meet on life, cool come along! Where is the church that just says "be my friend, and I will be yours, and maybe we can help each other, but if we can't help each other physically, we can serve God and give Him Glory and we can do it together as friends"? There is great value in the person who prays for people from their house, so much value, we under-rate it. So many people are so Busy Doing stuff that they forget to consult the Father and His will for their lives.

Now tell me I am a sinner, I know it already anyway, but I am pretty sure God wants me to STOP doing stuff just for the sake of Doing it. Blasphemy!! Ok maybe blasphemy is a bit harsh, but it will irk the staid and solid workers in some churches. I think God wants me to care for my family at the moment, no singing, no creche, no cleaning roster, no craft. Rest. It even makes me question the reality of it. My psyche says DO Something, do everything and then people will love you and accept you. Are you doing stuff for that reason? Are you seeking the approval of the almighty church and its members instead of seeking the approval of the creator?

Romans 12:2
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Notice that romans does not suggest we seek the perfect will of the pastor, or church committee... This verse is also talking about stepping away from our worldly desires and seeking the desires of the Father. I think that worldly desires creep into the church fabric (as it will, none of us are perfect), and we start desiring that people DO instead of Be and we set a benchmark that will gradually get higher and higher, and we look at how much people DO, and DO for us. This is wrong. God may have my job as intercessory prayer for people. That is all. What are you going to see of that? If humility is a big part of your fabric, then you are probably not going to know about it, and God doesn't want us to throw a big party and say "OH LOOK I prayed all night for you, aren't i great??"

Matthew 6:6 (New International Version)
6But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

Matthew 7:21
21"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' 23Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'

Now I have to be careful not to get on my own high horse. Churches will make mistakess and so do I. I don't want to judge or point out the faults to ensure you never enter a church again, or at all. I want to show you how you can make a difference in a church by taking time to seek the Father and His will for you and to accept it gracefully even if it means you aren't part of every committee and activity. Look at people and who they are, not what they can do for you. Show love and friendship to the people who seem hard to come along side of, who make you uncomfortable and are alot of work. So many people suffer so much that you can't see or know about, and will not willingly whinge about it to all and sundry looking for attention. They may have an iron wall up to keep you out to protect themselves because it is the only way they know how to survive. Hard is not Bad! Hard is just hard and alot of work, and it might make you uncomfortable. Uncomfortable isn't bad either, just doesn't conform to our "if it makes you feel good, do it!" philosophy.

Useful people in the church fabric are the ones who seek the Father and His will for their lives. They hunt it down, and pray constantly for it, they hunger and thirst for it. It isn't always the people who do the most who make the most difference.
It isn't to say that the people who do do stuff aren't in the will of God either. You can't Judge others, you have to look upwards and say Father lead ME today. Don't look over your shoulder at what everyone else is doing, Look to God, don't compare yourself to others, use Your life to Glorify God.

Jesus said this in Matthew 7:1
1"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
3"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

So in reading this I would suggest that we (including me) stop valuing people and churches by what they can do for us, what they are doing for the church, and what we think they are or are not doing. Concentrate on how you relate to God, seek Him and His righteousness, His plan for you. Thirst and Hunger for His Holy will in your life and nothing else. Don't look around at everyone else, we all have a mighty forest in our own eyes we need to deal with, and lots of us know it already! Concentrate on Him and seek His will for your life, not the churches, not the pastors, not the elders, No one but God. See where you end up, you might end up in exactly the right place, no where near where you thought you should be! As long as we seek Him He will direct our paths and that is the best and perfect map to be following.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (New International Version)

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight. [a]

If God is real, why is there suffering?

I was asked this week by someone, if God is real why did you get swine flu? My response was why not? Why is it that people attribute suffering to being punished by God? Or that God allows it to happen? Why also do people assume that God should protect everyone from any kind of suffering?
I don't find anywhere in the Bible that it says that because I believe in God that He will put up an impenetrable barrier to protect me from any kind of suffering. The bible says that suffering creates character, It does not say that God is a magic maker, or fairy floss kind of a deity. He is not a magic 8 ball that we can ask questions and have the right answer instantly. He is God.

People forget that if we really and truly believe that there is a supreme being who is perfect that maybe we will not understand why things happen. If you did understand why things happen, would you be able to stand it? Really all the responsibility, all the death, all the suffering and the answers to why people die, why some people don't suffer much at all and how it equates with eternity, how it balances right now? If you think you could handle it, good for you. I think my brain would explode, literally.

Ok so why do people die? Some people die young some very old some before they are born. How can this be right? innocent babies that haven't taken a breath yet? What is the purpose in it, is there any purpose in it? How can God allow it?
Have you considered what it would be like if no one died? Now for the people you love it would be wonderful, but what about people like Hitler, Genghis Khan, Mass murderers etc. Can we say that only bad people should die? How do you define bad then? Hitler thought he was doing the right thing and so did everyone who followed him. Many people who do "bad" things don't feel that they are doing wrong. Where do you draw the line? You can't necessarily go on feelings because they change so much and so quickly sometimes. I felt horrid yesterday and today I feel better, in 12 hours my mood has changed completely.
Eventually every one dies. This is life. You are born, you live, you get old and then you die, if you are lucky. I nearly died about 3 weeks ago. I had swine flu (I didn't know it at the time) and we went away to a remote area I got sick and went into respiratory failure. An epi pen saved me. Now I could say "Why me? this is crap it ruined my holiday, and now I am tired most of the time and have had trouble recouperating, why did you let this happen to me God?" But as I stated before God doesn't promise us that we won't suffer. Now if we can look at the bad stuff, the crappy horrible make your toes curl garbage that invariably happens to us some time or another and think, what can I learn from this? Or can I help someone else by using this experience? Sometimes people need empathy (comfort from someone who has been through a similar experience) not sympathy. If we didn't suffer would we be as effective getting along side those people who are suffering?

The other thing I want to put to you is this who are you that you can tell God how your life should be? I am a small human in the grand scheme of things (just see how big our sun is to see how small and insignificant we are - and thats not the biggest planet out there people) suddenly we think we know everything and should be able to tell God (remember the definition above - a supreme being who is perfect plus he made all that awesome massive twinkly stuff out there) how our lives should be going. EEk! Its like a child telling a parent they should be able to have chocolate all the time, too bad about the tooth decay, weight gain, lack of vitamins and minerals and fibre to help the body run. Exercise hurts but we have to do it to avoid heart attack and to have a healthy life.

I believe that God Loves me enough to know when to say no and stop. I also believe that he knows the plan for the world and for my life because I believe that if God is God, then he has to be a perfect supreme being. In being perfect that means I believe that He doesn't make mistakes - ever. Now your reeling. Suddenly we are back at the initial question if God loves us so much why does He allow suffering? Why does bad stuff happen? I don't always understand, actually I understand very little (just ask my husband when he is trying to explain a car engine to me) and in truth I don't want to. It is too much responsibility for me to handle.
Why did I get sick and nearly die? I don't know. Why did I live when others have died? I don't know. All I know is this I believe that God is in control, of everything. I also know that I don't want to be in control of everything, its too much to handle for me, and so it means I don't understand - and I don't think thats bad. I can say I am very grateful that it wasn't my kids or my neices or nephews, or my husband or sister or brother in law. I would much rather have it happen to me than them. I can't bear to think of how I would have coped if we had to do CPR on any of them, but in saying that if it had happened to them I believe that God is still in control and I would have learnt, coped and got on with the situation.

Its a pickle and it can mess your head up. If you don't believe in God then this is all irrelevant. If you are questioning God, I think thats good - I think that God thinks thats good aswell. Any communication is better than none! It isn't wrong to ask why and it isn't bad to question God. I know that God really and truly loves us so much that we don't understand it at all, it goes beyond our small brains (and even the larger brains among us) through His perfectness and absolute Deity. If you think God is bad, well that defeats the purpose of God doesn't it?

I myself would rather suffer some and learn. I want to have the capacity to help others, to have empathy for people in similar situations. I want to grow and become more like the God I believe in and have situations that make me hold tightly on to Him, to seek him out and ask him Why? It isn't fun, don't think I enjoy the suffering, its horrid and very often I think that i could live in a cave away from everything and everyone and my suffering would be limited extremely. However I do not, and I am thankful for a cup of tea, and a warm bed. I am also thankful I don't understand, I can wait for that. Suffering will happen, always has and always will. Use it as a situation to seek out God and His purpose for your life, to find the love that really and truly exists. Ask the ugly Hard questions, He can handle it, He is God. And despite what you may be thinking He really and truly loves you so much that He died for you on a cross. No other religion teaches that about any of their Deities. He knew we couldn't do it alone, and he loved us and made the sacrifice. Do you know that even if no one accepted His teaching He still would have done it? We all have the opportunity to come freely and be accepted and loved for exactly who we are right now. God made you and He doesn't make mistakes - ever!

Romans 5

¹Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we^a]">[a]have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ²through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we^b]">[b] rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. ³Not only so, but we^c]">[c] also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. ⁶You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. ⁷Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. ⁸But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Communication

Communication is not one of my strengths. I don't think it has ever been. I need to think for a week before I speak (just so it makes sense) and if you talk to me about something, it may very well sink in a fortnight later. I will have been paying attention, I might have even been making mental or written notes at the time, I have to mentally digest stuff before it makes sense for me sometimes.

Given that, it makes life interesting for my husband, who is quick off the mark, and can often see future problems that might occur in a nanosecond and can plan to avoid them with as much efficiency.

Keeps us on our toes with our marriage too. Very often I will sit with a blank look on my face, nearly dribbling, because I am thinking about what he has said to me, and he thinks that I am ignoring him. Sometimes I haven't heard him, sometimes I am so tired that my brain has gone into power save mode, sometimes I am just rude.

The more I look at marriage and partnerships and relationships the more I realise that so often in life we think that it is all about ME. How do I feel, what do I want out of this, where is the Bang in it for me? Have you ever considered that in serving the other person (good grief here we go!) that you might actually do yourself a favour? Now I don't mean make your partner a roast while they bash you ok, if that is you, best to get out for your safety and for any kids around too (I know a Christian who thinks sometimes you should separate - Ye Gads!). BUT when you serve the other person in your relationship instead of seeking all the benefit for yourself, you will return a balance to the relationship. Giving is part of Loving. Sometimes it hurts, alot. Sometimes it doesn't feel justified or repayed in part, let alone in full. If you love someone then you will sacrifice for them (oohhh its nasty isn't it?) You may not be able to afford that beautiful embroidery machine you desperately want (need - ahem!), Ah or tonight you may have to do those dishes because tea was cooked so well....

When you give without adding strings, like "tonight don't worry about the dishes, the world wont stop" (and it doesn't, never has) when you give room to move to the other person, cut them some slack it fosters a want to serve you too. Now don't do this just so you can get something back, thats manipulation (and I reckon most times we can see when its being done to us, so just assume your partner is as clever as you or me and they can see that too). Do it because you have a regard for that person. Remember when you loved them at the beginning and you would do almost ANYTHING for them? When you relax, don't worry about what you will get out of it, and just do it for the other person, you leave room for the other person to reciprocate. Dont expect to get adulation from the crowd people, sometimes it comes in the form of holding your tongue and letting something go rather than turning the fact that he dumped his socks on the floor (Again!) into a homicidal rampage that consumes your whole evening. Yep its hard, never ever wanted you to think it was going to be easy. You never know though, after a while your partner might stop nagging you about something that drives them insane too.

Today you might have to refrain from trying to manipulate your partner so you can have what you want. Manipulation is insidious, and destroying to a relationship. It kills the reason for love, because the love is used against the person giving it, and will crush a heart. Domination is destroying, it allows no room for movement, it constricts and represses the individual. Very often these two creep into marriage very subtly.
Not telling your partner something is the same as lying. If you have a problem with your significant other, they would be the best one to talk to first, not last!
The main thing to remember is that the other person maybe driving you insane, it happens, but consider that you will drive that person nuts at other times. You can't avoid it, you aren't perfect - neither am I. I drive my husband nuts, I have mood swings and don't sleep enough, I have my own ideas that I am convinced are the ONLY way to do things. If I get a bee in my bonnet I will not listen to ANYTHING he has to say. I won't list all my faults but I want you to know I know this through personal experience. He in turn drives me nuts. For his sake I won't list the deeds here, but be assured sometimes I want to grab him and shake him and say "What on earth is going on in there??????" When I have one of those moments (they usually happen three or four at a time - for him too!) I remember all the crap he has put up with from me. Those times he was right (even makes me wince now saying it - there is some pride for you) and I have insisted on my own way, and it has all been wrong and we have wasted time, or money or both, or energy that could have been used for much much more useful things, and I hurt him, and what a waste that is. Or he has been right, I have known it and still tried to convince him and myself that he was really wrong. Here comes manipulation, and I can shout pretty good and like to give that a good belting around the house too, and there is Domination.

So where am I going with this? Good communication will strengthen a relationship as long as you are communicating with your partner and not bitching about them to everyone else. KNOW your own weaknesses and acknowledge them, and work a way around them. I just told Ash, I am not ignoring you (right now), it just takes a while for me to digest, I need to think for a while. Realise that they are not perfect, and acknowledge the fact that you aren't either. Know that relationships are not easy, it is not a B grade love story at the movies, it takes blood, sweat and tears, you may want to run them over a couple of times, or leave or scream or all of the above.
Know that sticking with it will enrich your relationship and working together and without an agenda for you will help no end. A partnership or relationship is about giving, and love is about giving, and not so much about recieving. Being involved with another person is about the "US" and not so much about the "ME".

Look at your significant other this week, ask yourself, could I be more gentle, more giving? Has this partnership become a way for me to take and not to give? If you decide to start giving (YAY you!) don't expect that you will have the angels descend and that the world will sing your praises, expect that it will be hard and that you may not see the results immediately. In my humble opinion (and I am a young snapper that has only been married 11 years) it will be worth it. You decided to stay with that person for a reason, and you are relatively intelligent right!, give it a go, and find what attracted you in the first place. Do something different this week, give a bit and don't attach the strings. You might be pleasantly surprised!

1 Corinthians 13

Love

¹If I speak in the tongues^a]">[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,^b]">[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Husbands (yep all the tricky topics lately!)

Well what do you reckon to this? The Blog that started off with knitting has suddenly got deep and meaningful. I will return to knitting eventually, but a fluffy blog that makes everything look perfect was getting on my goat. Makes me feel hypocritical.
Anyhoo I will voice all my thoughts and concerns and sometimes I will include knitting and crochet and sewing and here we go. Please note I am not a trained psychologist, nor a relationship councilor, or any kind of trained councilor, nor have I any religious training - I am a normal person commenting on what I have lived and what I see. It is entirely my personal opinion. If it gets your panties in a bunch just stop reading! ;)

I am 32 and this coming January I will have been married for 12 years (he has too! :)) and I think that this is one of the hardest things I have ever done, other than raising children. I want to start by saying that this is not about put the husband down, its more about appreciating who they are right now. It could get ugly people!

From the time I was about 10 I believed that if I could be perfect it would make everyone happy. I was informed that I probably should not consider boyfriends or husbands when I got older, better to stay single. I was also told at one point maybe that when I got older i should consider living with some one rather that marrying them then I could leave if I wanted to. With those two considerations and the not so amicable atmosphere within the house I had decided that I was not perfect enough for anyone to love me and that I would remain single. I also decided I would not have any children because I would definitely screw them up, completely. I was set! Till I met my now husband and God said to me "Um I have a different plan".

Ash pursued me, he was my friend, and I told him blatantly that I did not want a boyfriend and I was never getting married, but I could be his friend. So he was my friend, then my closest friend who knew as much as I felt safe telling him, then one day I thought I can't be without him. BOOM! the master plan is down the drain.
Then we got married and stuff happens, it wasn't happily ever after, and even though he did not turn into a frog when we got married, I could definitely see room for improvement. Bingo! here comes Hypocritical Dini in full force, rating 20 on the Richter scale, Pride is here people and the fall comes soon after!

Now as well as being a perfectionist and a hypocrite I am also a doer. I do stuff, to look like a "good christian", "good person", so that people will like me and accept me because I don't feel like I am acceptable or likable just as I am. My husband just is. He does stuff when he wants to and is himself and although insecure in many ways he is very stable about what he knows, who he is and what he believes. I don't know if he knows it, but I see it clearly now. He will just be, and it used to drive me nuts, actually sometimes it still does, lets be completely honest.

He didn't want to DO the stuff I wanted to Do. The reason I wanted to DO it was to look acceptable, he just knew he wasn't ready for it, and it wasn't necessary. I can remember thinking that maybe I didn't pray hard enough before we got married, maybe I had made a mistake. I had married someone who might not want to be a missionary in far off Uganda.... So when I realised this I think the super critical, Mega beast button got turned into High gear. Fortunately when those particular buttons get activated in me, my husbands super patient, very loving and caring buttons go on full throttle too.
They have been on for a long time. God is turning my buttons down, and my husbands are still on full, and one day they will be used for his own benefit as well as mine.
I think sometimes as Christians, or religious people actually human beings in general we sometimes want to conform to a particular way we think we should be, how people want us to be, instead of just being. Maybe its just me.
In my life depression and anxiety has been present always, and I strive to hide it and to look like I have it together, even in front of the husband, maybe especially in front of him. When it all fell apart, several times, (God has a lot of work to do here!) the things about my husband that drive me crazy, and turn my Mega Beast buttons on, were the essential things I needed. GASP!

He is very very laid back, if he had been Mr Lets be Involved in EVERYTHING! and lets evangalise the entire world in 40 days and then do it again, there may not have been the space for me to psych out. I am not saying that if this is how your life is it is bad, just that I thought we should be Doing stuff and God showed me that His plan for me was perfect. I fell to bits and had days where I couldn't go anywhere until the washing was done, adrenaline running, heart pounding I would say to Ash "I just have to get the washing done, I don't know why, I can't go anywhere till its done" and his response "That's ok D, we can do that". Bless him! I had days where he sat with me and I sobbed because I was so messed up I didn't want to live anymore, and I couldn't see anyway out. We didn't have to go anywhere, he didn't have any agenda or anything that couldn't be put aside for a while. We just were at home, no urgency, no need, He put himself last for me, as naturally as breathing.

So my point for all this revelation to the entire world via my blog is this. I put my husband down verbally, to him and to others because there is a part of me that still wants to be perfect and i expect that others should be trying to achieve the same goal. The truth is God made Ash (and your husband too!) and if God is God then He can't have made any mistakes. How can I criticize the creator through his creation?

There is a culture among females ( it has many causes, that I am not qualified enough to explore in depth, nor do I want to. I know some of my motivations, I am dealing with them - its a whole of my life project!) where we put our husbands down. When we are together with our friends when we are out etc. Sometimes is just a little comment like "I know exactly what you mean" (translation:- mine does that crazy thing too, all the time!) to fully bashing the husband verbally with blow by blow descriptions. I have been present in both situations, equally as ugly. I am an excellent man basher in the verbal sense, sarcasm is my primary language, english my second. It is something that I am striving to fix. I have thought, "i will love you and I will honor you but you try and tell me what to do and you can shove it mate!" Um yeah good vows made at your wedding D!

Here is the cracker, when I let go and let my husband lead (oh my how anti womens lib!) it actually works! Now remember this is all opinion and I do not suggest that this is for violent and abusive relationships (plus I am not qualified to give any opinion on those situations at all). But I see lots of average marriages and relationships that fall apart because we all want to be in charge and you can't have two leaders. Yep its getting ugly people.
Respect your mate! always! It is so hard, i know, I have the tolerance of a single celled organism most of the time. But when I shut up and listen and let him be who he is meant to be it works out OK. Now he isn't spending our money at the casino, or drinking it all away, and for the most part I live a very protected safe middle class life that probably hasn't seen half or even a quarter of the problems the world really has in the nitty gritty of their lives. So I gab my opinion from a sheltered viewpoint, but for me, and my bible tells me, that my husband is the head of my household "For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior" Ephesians 5v23.
Now if you have turned off thats fine, if you are raving mad at me that is fine too, You might be thinking, you don't know the crackpot things my husband does! Nope I don't. You don't know how I feel when he talks to me that way! Well I may have a bit of insight into that but no, no one but you knows what is going on in your house, and I do not presume to know your circumstances or to even know what to tell you to do, and I wouldn't. What I know is this I cannot change the choices my husband makes or the way he behaves or reacts, but I can chose how I react to those circumstances and choices. If I chose to be with this man then I have a certain responsibility to this relationship and that includes considering him and his perspective and to not assume he will adhere to my master plan of " You will be perfect and we will both strive to attain perfection in record time". What I remember when I want to run him over or scream at the top of my voice at him is this, sure he has faults, but he is putting up with my buffet of imperfections too and he isn't freaking at me like a psychopathic masochistic nut (one of his strenghts, and even if he was doesn't mean I have to too) maybe I should just breathe and settle a bit. Unless you can get it perfect yourself (go on I dare you!) you don't really have any right to expect that the guy who decided he could put up with your PMS one week a month for the rest of his life, should either. When we say "I Do" at the altar it doesn't mean that we should suddenly expect that he will magically start picking his clothes up off the floor, and that he will agree with everything you say, and will automatically put your needs before his own, and will read your mind and know what you are thinking and will spend his whole life in complete service to you every day for the rest of his life. He is going to burp, fart, take you for granted, hurt your feelings, leave his stuff around, or be forever picking your stuff up for you. He might be a complete slob, or a complete neat freak, a crazy football yelling maniac once a week, he may hate some of the stuff you do (really, I thought everything I do is great???). If he does them before you get married, you can guarantee that he will do them after, they will make you crazy, and if you think you can change him you are fooling yourself! (by the way your pile of magazines next to the bed or the way you constantly clean the house - or don't- the way you hum that noise when you are absently doing other stuff, all your craft junk, the girly movies, your sudden fad for tofu and vegetarian food, your need to recreate your image again, etc all drive him equally bonkers too).
Husbands are human, He will make mistakes just like you do (different ones, that don't annoy him as much as they do you) but its all give and take. If he was perfect, we would all feel completely inadequate - truthfully a big proportion of women have this problem a bit somewhere already without their husband being the icon of perfection too- and how could you grow together and develop and mature if he was already at the finish line?

So your marriage isn't perfect, neither is mine. You can fully expect if you ever meet me that eventually both my feet will end up in my mouth, my husband will be emotionally cringing, and I will feel like a complete moron a couple of days later when I realise what I really said. Your husband isn't perfect, neither are you! Don't quit as soon as it gets a bit tough, the tough bits make good cement for later on when the earthquake hits.
Living with someone completely different is HARD! Even if you have similarities they are not your sibling or parent, and living with them can be very hard, you cannot expect that it will all be flowers and bells. Take a deep breath.

As a last note I just want to say that my husband puts up with so much from me, and the longer I am married to him, the more God is teaching me to deal with my own stuff and let Him deal with my husband, and let my husband be who he is because he is fine the way he is. When I say to God "um are you sure about this???, really???" God gently says to me " uh which one of us is the creator again??". Point taken.

Christians with Depression.... HOOO Boy hold on!

Ok so here is a topic that has either piqued your interest or sent you running for cover. Its hairy, a bit unpleasant and totally my opinion which is completely without any formal education in Religion or psychology. It is not meant for any purpose other than a bit of therapy for myself, and basically I need to write this somewhere public (I do not understand why) so that I can get it off my chest and maybe sleep tonight. If I offend, ok that happens, just never read my blog again and nobody will be any the wiser. :)

I am an early thirties mother of two, who is able to stay home to (s)mother her children, and who suffers from Depression and Anxiety, and has suffered since I was about 11, and I am a christian.
Now I can hear those people in the crowd echo the sentiments in my head - HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE???? What about the joy of the Lord? What about Do not be anxious about anything? How about come to me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest??
Good question, when you work it out please let me know!

No really its hard to answer and I can't tell you really, I am sure there are some christian scholars and psychologists out there who can. I will tell you what I know. My brain needs to make a chemical so that I can cope with stress, I don't make enough to cope sometimes with simple things (getting out of bed, making breakfast, driving hairy and mcleary to school) sometimes I can cope with those things fine but give me an extra in my day and tomorrow I will be the messiest mess that ever messed.
Lately it has been so bad that I had days where there was no test pattern, no beep, no hold music, just an empty dark box that is completely void of life. I have prayed constantly for weeks and weeks on end "Please God". Don't know what the please is for, sometimes the next five minutes, the next nano second, If I can get through to the next ten minute break I might be ok.

In between these episodes came the massive guilt of "Christians shouldn't feel this way!" This isn't right, I shouldn't have this overwhelming desire to not exist anymore, should I? But lately while reading my bible (please don't turn off now, it will get interesting!) I read a bit of Job. Only a bit , because Job for me, is extremely depressing. The man speaks my thoughts a bit too clearly and I have to shut the book. I will admit I am a Christian who doesn't read her bible much..... Hmmm, yep hopelessly flawed!! Job says "I rue the day I was born" yep I understand that completely. So many conversations of mine with God have been "what on earth did you bother for? truly just look at this mess! I am an emotional pile of refuse that is steaming and attracting flies in the sun, and repelling everything else". Now Christians are meant to be "pro life" and my whole emotional state screams "END IT! END IT NOW! Run dont walk!!!" My whole psyche says that my husband will find someone who can really care for him the way he needs and that I am completely screwing my kid's heads and lives up. Better off Dead. Harsh I know, and God gave me this life, where is the excitement people for such a gift?. I know it, but life hurts so much all the time, and faking it to get through after 15 or so years of faking it is extremely hard. I want to lie under the kitchen table or in the cupboard and tell the world and God to stuff it!

Hypocrisy is something I dislike with a passion, and to all intents and purposes I know that I can be a complete hypocrite myself. My whole being cries out for attention, please please please help me!!!!, but give me a person like me, and my insides cringe and pull back and honestly let me help you secretly, Let me help you so that my conscience is sort of satisfied but so it doesn't have to be public. Meanwhile another part of me is screaming YOU ARE LIKE THAT! You Hypocrite.
Ugh. Its ugly and far from pleasant. I have heard religious people say that they have spoken to people and at the end have thought "there is five minutes of my life I won't get back". I don't want to be like that, and I don't want to be treated like that. I think that you can learn something in any situation, even the bad which is where i am going with this whole post.

During some of the worst times and leading up to them I have heard God (please don't roll your eyes!, bear with me) I once stood at my front door trying to unlock it, groceries around my feet, two children whos playful banter is sending me into some kind of psychotic spin because of the noise, and the pain and effort just to take a breath is almost killing me. I stood there and in a nano second a whole conversation occurred "God how long will I have to be like this? How long is this really going to last?" "Child I will carry you until you can walk, when you can walk, I will walk beside you and when you need to be carried again, I will do that." OK. I hang onto that conversation and play it over in my head. It brings peace.
Another one is where I asked God "Father if I am a Jar of clay that hides your treasure, do you know what this vessel looks like? I have so many cracks and holes and sometimes I am just the base of the jar, nothing else. I am a mess, I can hardly hold it together, how can this be right? Surely there is sin there and that's the problem, can't we fix this, make it better, make me 'normal?'." The instant reply was gentle "If your jar had no holes how could the light shine out? Look at the beautiful pictures we cast on the walls and people will know without a doubt that it is me and not you, and that is how it should be". Oh Kay I can handle that too.
Being a christian is not about being perfect now but being perfected now. He is the potter, I am the clay, and He molds me and makes me, I am not made yet. Humble pie be my desert tonight.
The last conversation I recall that God and I had clearly was "God if Jesus commands us to go in to the earth, and more than anything I want to serve with my everything for you. When I can barely get out of bed How do I do that? There are so many things that I would do for you, send me overseas, send me to the ends of the earth, the slums the lowly anywhere! please heal me so I can serve you in any capacity, please!" and the reply "All you have to do is Glorify me, with your life and in your marriage. The rest will follow" Um ok, How? Today is a grind to get the kids to school without turning into the Mega-Beast, I don't even trust myself to look after my niece and nephew during the holidays, and my soul is crying out to die for some relief. Where is the Glory in that? How can I glorify anything except my own patheticness in this situation? How do we make it about you God when my humanness cries out "it should be all about me!". A friend of our family told me the answer to this one, "today you say, God I got out of bed, thank you, I got up, it was all I could do just then, I have done it for you. There may be nothing else today, I will give you what I have". When you think of it that way there are other things very simple things, God thank you for a warm bed, thank you for food in my stomach, thank you for indoor plumbing, thank you our roof doesn't leak, thank you we have a roof!

The upshot of this is I am a Christian who believes without any doubt that God came to the earth as a man and died on a cross so that I can be reconciled to God. It is not about making me feel like less of a person, just a fact, I could never be good enough, he knew it and helped me out. I also lack the chemical in my head, or its out of proportion up there, to help me do the basic things sometimes. This isn't anything new, diabetics need insulin, people who suffer epilepsy need medication. Depression is something I think I will have all of my life, but I also know that if God in His wisdom can see my frailty and lack, and mess and still say to me "Child I think you are acceptable, come to me all you who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest" "child I love you" "child I will carry you" "YOU are MY child", then I probably will survive it.
It doesn't feel like it in reality, But I also know that being a christian does not instantly make me "perfect" I am perfect to God, he made me this way and He gets what is going on down here, I don't get it, you don't get it, my husband and friends don't understand. Thats why HE is God and we are not. My brain would probably explode if I could understand it. So be it.

So if you are having a horrendous day, week, year, lifetime and you think that there is absolutely no way a God could care about you, you are wrong. I know it without a shadow of a doubt. Life will still be hard, God is not a fairy floss machine of miracles to make us all happy. Joy is not about being happy, I don't think, and I truly believe that God heals, sometimes it takes a lifetime. It isn't what we want to hear, and truthfully I write it and my innards rebel against it and want to scream NO NO NO fix me now!!! However God being God, I believe in His Holiness, knows the right path for us, I won't fight Him (too much), and I don't believe this is laying down and giving up, more like surrendering. Sometimes the limb has to be re-broken to heal correctly, and it hurts, but you can use your limb afterward and the pain is a memory.

Don't deny yourself the opportunity to know the God of the universe, Don't deny Him. He wants to know you, and truly if you read the first four Gospels of the New Testament (Matthew, Mark, Luke & John) Jesus hung out with a lot of people just like me. Hopeless on the fringe, hopelessly messed up and falling apart and with so many problems that other people could not and would not fix. God is not for the beautiful people only, God is for everyone and the more messed up you are and the more you admit it, the easier it is for Him to work with you. Sometimes people think that you are beautiful, but they don't see the rank dung heap that is your soul, you know about it, feel it and live with it. He sees it and says "I love you, you could be mine, and I knew where you would be right now, my need for you is still great." No other religion in the world has a God that sacrifices Himself to save humans. We all have to work in those other religions to meet the approval of the deity, as if we ever could! God saw it all before the world began and knew the price that would have to be paid, and did it as a love offering for us. No other religion tells you that. If God Created me, and I believe that God is Holy and Perfect, then He did not make a mistake, even in all my failings, this is exactly how He made me and He loves me, and if He can love me (you have seen lots of my mess here) He loves you.

Yes Christians get Depression, they break limbs, have epilepsy, high blood pressure, diabetes, and are hypocrites (the worst), and get it wrong, and judge people unfairly. I get it wrong alot of the time, Don't look to Christians as the answer, look to God, He is so much more than we will ever be. He is confusing and we desperately want answers and for it to make sense, and it might not. He is God, His ways are not our ways. That is how it should be, otherwise would He really be God?
Don't look at me, Look at Him.

On the needles and In the Air!

It could be said that I am a compulsive starter. Actually its true, I love the thrill of a new project, casting on and the new wool and what it could be... Then I get knitters/crochet block! Half way through and then I think MEH! Boring! and start something else. I know that there are plenty of people out there that do this I just don't want to anymore. I finish socks for others, dishcloths for others, jumpers for others, just nothing for me. Well the task for April is to finish.

It seems like a big task at the moment I have 2 pairs of socks on the go (both for me) and Mr Greenjeans sweater and I am participating in a Vanna's Choice Block exchange through Ravelry.

The blocks are blocking now ready to send tomorrow probably, weather is in the low 30's (celcius) so it should dry quickly and woosh they will be away! So now because I have finished the blocks my head went into new project mode.... Now I am itching to start another blanket. I haven't even finished the one I am participating in. I have seen the Lion Brand Circles to squares blanket done in brown with coloured spots by a fellow raveller Julieanny and it looked so great its all I can think about. Trying hard to focus though on finishing socks and the other blanket that I have on the go and to finish the Mr Greenjeans for myself.... but the itch desperately wants to be scratched..

Squares I have recieved and Squares I am sending

The other thing I want to start is a vegetable garden. I have always had a crazy notion that I would LOVE to be self sufficient. To grow all my own vegies, to have solar panels on the roof for electricity and to have about 3 more rainwater tanks to provide water for the veg and for rinsing my washing etc. I would also love to have fruit trees in the back yard or even the front yard. The price of food is going up with the global economic catastrophe that everyone is ranting about, and it inspires me to chase the dream I have always had. I don't work, I am a stay at home mum at the moment and I have the time to garden. So my dad lent me a book called "One Magic Square" by Lolo Houbein and to say that I am inspired is an understatement. The book is simple and the author is from South Australia and so knows what works here (yay!) when to plant, how to prepare, how to rotate crops, how to mulch, manure, and fertilise and how to keep pests at bay without chemicals. So I am going to get organic seeds so I can propogate from plants I have grown for future plants and jump in. Even if I just grow onions and garlic first (hopefully potatos and corn too, oh and carrots.....) it should help the family budget and maybe encourage Mr 3 and 3/4 to eat something other than vegemite toast and rice!

The compulsion to start hits me again - I should clean my house, I should do many things (like the preparation required for a vegie patch) but all I can do is dream about vegie gardens and afghans that I am not ready to start in a practical sense, emotionally I am there! So being practical means I have to wait a little bit for the vegie patch (mostly because I don't have the seeds and am trying to get a compost bin going) and I will control my afghan desires and will finish Mr Greenjeans and the socks and complete the swap blanket (oh and the other blanket I started before all of this that is sitting in a tub somewhere...) and then I can start fresh again.

Good luck to me because I just remembered I also promised mittens for the boys for Gumdale, and have a scarf on the go for Zak too and they want socks also, and a replacement sock for the sister in law, and I meant to make my sister a pair of socks for her birthday (April 15). Hmmm ..Anyhoo watch this space... see how we go!

Puppy in a pram and an out of focus sock I started :)

Its been more than a while....

Yes I have been absent from the blogging world for many many months. I could go into details, I won't however just because, well just because.
Anyhoo I have decided that 2009 is the year of Dini. I won't be knitting presents for people this year, I am participating in some swaps through Ravelry that will require knitting and crochet but people are reciprocating to me in kind so in fact that fibrey goodness benefits me. Its all very selfish and self seeking but the care factor is less than 100 billionty gadzillion. I have 3 cardigans all on the go for me that have been going for about a year or so, I also have a pair of socks to finish (on the second one now, YAY ME!) and have just ordered more sock yarn (all for me).
So I spend some time looking after other people around me which is all good, I just haven't been caring for me in the way I would like, hence the year of Dini.
So Here is to finishing projects for me, starting more projects for me, and maybe knitting a hat for hubby who really needs it....poor guy he has been waiting 12 months too...... and he encourages my stash building, selfish knitting, and all around hes a great guy, he deserves a hat!

Pics to follow of works in Progress, stash accumulation, and finished objects (hopefully!)